Lessons from Asgard – Courtesy of Loki 2 - The Dark World
by Renne Michaels
Summary: A primer for anyone who has ever wondered what the heck is going on in the Eternal City. More humor than spoiler, but if you are a stickler please don't read. Asgard Secrets Exposed.
1. Chapter 1

**Lessons from Asgard – Courtesy of Loki 2 - The Dark World**

**Captain America's Outfit is Loki Approved – **Apparently Loki likes how tight it is in certain places.

**Pantene is not available in Asgard** - Neither is Garnier or any other brand that actually works, as evidenced by the abundance of greasy hair among the Æsir, including the Crown Prince.

**BiFrost Repairs Complete** – Recent reconstruction of the BiForost is finished and has allowed the construction of a planned expansion, the new and improved BiFrost is ridiculously long. Tolls will apply until building costs are recouped; make sure your horse is fully fueled as wait times can be considerable during peak hours and All Father Closings.

**Vidal Sassoon – **Does not have any salons in Asgard, nor does Paul Mitchel if Frigga's hairstyles are any indication.

**Match Maker dot Com**– Is not getting any competition from Asgard, despite the All Father's best efforts.

**Primitive Bathing Facilities Abound** –Despite being and advance race of immortals, even in the royal palace Asgardians have still not discovered the shower.

**Sif Hoarding** – Rather than jewels, Sif had apparently cornered the Æsir Eye Brow Pencil Market resulting in massive product unavailability for everyone else, especially in the prison levels.

**Sparkle Swords** – Are the Æsir response to distance weapons and not a good response either, resulting in increased prices on funeral boats.

**Odin A+ Parenting** – No long a valid tag due his recent abysmal performance in this area exceeding the limits for even this rating. A study group will be looking into a new tag to adequately reflect his total dick parenting. Suggestions are welcome.

**Fandral has pissed off the Goddess of Pomade** – Resulting in a frizzled bang look that resembles most Japanese Boy Band Members.

**Not As I Do** – Double Standards abound in Asgard. It is A-Okay with Odin that his father Bor killed an entire race, but not for Loki.

**Domesticated Ruminant Animals Restrictions** – Mortals like Jane Foster are not permitted in Asgard or at Banquets.

**Excuse Improvement **– Thor has finally passed his O levels.

**Might Makes Right** – According to the All Father the difference between good and evil is who wins.

**Heimdall's Principles for Similar Situations **– Orders from the king are orders and cannot be disobeyed, not even for Thor. Unless the king is Loki, and then it's okay.

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**Please feel free to leave comments with the lesson's you learned so we can expand this primer. See Chapter 2 for answers to the comments as the comment section is not really suited for numerous replies. **

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Other Fics by Renne Michaels

**How Desperate are You?** – Complete – Loki has had a bad year and after leaving Midgard with Thor and challenging Odin isn't making it any better, but no matter how smart you are… Sometimes stubborn happens. It may not seem to be in your best interest, but how desperate are you for a resolution? Any resolution. Ask Tony, maybe he knows. Loki is returned to Asgard and nothing good happens, but Loki isn't the only one with issues, Odin has plenty of his own, especially in the realm of A+ Parenting. Loki is desperate to escape from Asgard, Odin and his past. 73,000 Words

**Desperate for Change** – Last chapter posting Sunday November 10th - Returning to Midgard after an absence of almost two years, Loki finds that as desperate for change as he has been, some changes will take time to get used to, especially when they concern his relationship with Tony and Pepper. Darcy lays down her taser, momentarily and decides to start wielding the internet to the dismay of both the fallen Prince of Asgard and S.H.I.E.L.D. Outing the trickster god to the general public is going to be difficult for Loki, but equally difficult will be Tony's acceptance that things between the three will change, and not always the way he wants them to. Sequel to How Desperate Are You? 77,000 Words

**Queens Grace** – First Chapter will post Sunday November 10th – Eventual FrostIron - Odin has taken Loki's magic and made him mortal. But Asgard's prisons are not a safe place for the Trickster under these conditions. Odin then decides to take away one more thing from his second son, his memory of recent events going back the last four years. Frigga decides that Asgard is not safe for Loki's reduced station, but that Tony Stark's tower would make an excellent secure location for amnesiac Loki to be under house arrest. 82,000 Words and no end in sight, will update regularly

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I don't own the Avengers or Thor, they are the property of Marvel and Disney, and are not my intellectual property. There is no financial gain made from this nor will any be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.


	2. Chapter 2 - Comments and Replies

**Chapter 2 – Comments**

**Small Potato of Defiance** 11/20/13 - Verity Kindle said: "in the first Thor, everyone's hair looked AH-MAY-ZANG. And now... apparantly hair magic is forbidden in Asgard and no one has time to bath."

Hah! Now we know what Loki's duties entailed in Asgard! He had the daily task of magicking everyone's hair clean! Loki, God of Hairdressers! (...don't let him hear me!)

Fun and games aside, the Vikings were a rather clean people, washing and oiling their bodies and hair. Washing with shampoo is a very recent development (1920's or so) and is very damaging for the hair. If one would only rinse the hair with warm water and comb it every day to get rid of dirt, the hair would, with time, find it's own 'oil balance', that is to say, the oil glands in the scalp are there for a reason. The oil keeps the hair shiny and in condition. If the hair is cleansed from that protective oil with harsh cleansing agents such as there is in shampoo, the hair gets damaged and the scalp produces more and more oil to compensate. If one stops using shampoo the scalp 'calms down' and produces only as much oil as is needed for the hair to keep healthy and you will no longer suffer from 'oily hair'. (google 'no poo movement' to see what I mean)

Anyway, the Egyptians, Romans, Greeks, Persians and, if I remember correctly, also the Vikings as well as many other ancient peoples, used fragrant oils to style their hair, so personally I would think the 'Pantene commercial'-look in the first movie very jarring; Loki was the only historic one with the way he obviously oiled his (far too short for a Viking prince!) hair back, but this was also obviously done to give him a 'sinister, maffia-boss, skeevy spiff look' and to put him opposite the very blond, clean-limbed 20 century All-American-boy ideal of Thor. (boo!)

(sorry, I'm a Phd history student who ought to be working on her thesis, dammit!, but it's too tempting to lose myself in dissertations about Viking hairdo's...) _**( RM - I know, it was like the Director forgot that he was not on a Game of Thrones set. I would think that advanced/magic using space Vikings would have access to hair care. As you said even the Ancient Egyptians used oils to clean and style their hair sooo... WTF happened in Loki2? I can just see it now Hair by Loki, ohhhh or Mr. Loki of Asgard, stylist to the Gods! :D Thanks for reading and thanks for you very informative comment. )**_

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**Kerttu **11/9/13**- **Not As I Do (but as I say) and Might Makes Right - very good points, both sort of angles of the one other saying: Victor writes the history. Because all we really know about Odins claim of finding Loki are Odins own words. Whether he found him in the temple abandoned or killed Lokis mother on the spot... we will never  
know.

Odin won and can say what he wants. So of course his father Bor was in the right of killing a race. Bor won, didnt he? Gah. Ok, stopping now. Or I will be  
going on and on and on. (_**RM - I have often wondered about the found in a temple thing. As you said, who can say? There could have been attendants and other children, less valuable, gathered there for safety. Really pisses you off doesn't it. Odin got what was coming to him I think**_.)

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**Guest **11/9/13 . - Kudos!

I especially liked "Might Makes Right", "Odin A Parenting" and "Heimdall's Principles...".

Much more might be said in the "Not As I Do" category. After all Loki was imprisoned "for eternity" for, mostly, unsuccessfully trying genocide (and even if he could plead both temporary insanity and emotional shock caused by Odin as mitigating circumstances, which Thor didn't have... and both brothers have been raised in a very racist atmosphere) and killing innocents after visiting them without Odin's permission on their own soil.

That is what Thor did in the first movie... Yet Thor was sent to roam free (and even without his ordinary strength levels still probably stronger (and better trained to kill) that almost any Midgardian) a kingdom which had no idea a mass murderer and genocidal maniac-racist has been sent to live on it as a free man for unspecified time...

I wonder if Jane would have taken him so readily if she knew what he had done and tried to do merely hours before landing at her feet (and had been seemingly wanting to try almost all his life with his father and future subjects closing their adoring ears for) and what was a deed the majority of Asgard and Midgard seem to have been harping that Loki (who had heaps of mitigating circumstances and a much better and cleaner and peaceful personal history than Thor, or Odin, for almost all his life before Thor's banishment) should be imprisoned or even killed for...

Thor got a sentence of three days of unrestricted movement in exile, in a realm that had no idea what he had done and allmost embraced him, the poor guy, and the possibility to learn to be better because of the mercy shown to him by the "ants"/"goats"/"puny mortals" despite his thinking and deeds... And Loki had been shown no mercy, no chance to learn - just prison.

Odin probably regretted a bit that Loki's suicide attempt after the unveiling of Odin's deception and the shock of the self-hatred he had been conditioned to feel did not succeed and that Odin's "trained" future "counselor/servant/brain to Thor" got sense of the true situation and had the guts and the self-respect to stand for himself when almost everyone else refused to with their deeds... although I admit that Loki emulating Odin and Thor wasn't the best thing to do, but yet he was more or less emotionally and circumstantially pushed and conditioned to react like this in such a situation and it is understandable why he snapped in such a direction...

Thor would have not changed at all had he too, been thrown into a cell (instead of being sent to Jane without her knowing what sort of blood-soaked racist idiot he is). And if Loki would have still tried to annihilate Jotunheim (which he might not have decided to do then, after stopping Laufey and the war - Frigga would have not allowed it after hugging him, and he would have no reason to send the Destroyer anywhere too, as the W3&Sif would probably not have attempted to free Thor from an Loki-serving enheirjar-guarded cell and stage a coup in the palace) then an imprisoned "no-roaming-free-on-Midguard-and-laughing-with-Jan e" still blodthirsty and racist Thor would have probably been of the mind to cheer for Loki...

And unlike Thor (who did not get even a short prison sentence, despite his centuries-long arrogance, warmongering and genocidal threats) Loki was - seemingly for centuries - the most humane and peaceful-decisions favoring member of that family (and probably on that kingdom, save for maybe? Frigga) and he tried to stop needless wars by not allowing a new and bloodthirsty Thor-king on the throne, and to teach Thor better even when he was getting for his efforts mockery, "know your place" and "tricks" comments from his brother another Asgardians, and even as Odin was conveniently "closing his eye" for his heir's deficiencies until he did feel insulted and also REALLY could take it no longer... and then all he did was "slap him on the wrist" and send him on a study trip, instead of sending him to the dungeons like Loki, who was born to die in the cold and was too open-eyed and intelligent for his taste...

Ranting, ranting... All in all, I liked "Loki 3" greatly - including that the probably most clearly-seeing, intelligent, deserving, resourceful and able to rule Asgard person without being a warmongering idiot person got its crown..._ **(RM- Please tell us how you really feel. :D No seriously, while Loki may have been a trick playing, sarcastic dick, there was no indication in Thor of more than that for someone who seemed to have gotten the idea that his place in life was to advise and steer his idiot brother when he was about to do something wrong. I mean even the Fatuous Four when he refused to revoke Thor's banishment couldn't really come up with any past deeds to justify their actions.)**_

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**Guest 11/8/13** . - I'm with the crowd who think that one of the free mens' privileges in Viking times was long hair, whereas short hair was the marking of a slave. So I found everyone's very short hair in the first movie distinctly off, and this much better. (Could of course be washed and brushed now and then.)

Yay for Bor having killed an entire race! So Loki grew up with this and learned it was the thing to do, as opposed to being born evil. **(RM - ****_I know, weird huh. Okay for Grandfather to do Genocide, and Odin to conquer another realm, but not okay for Loki to do either… I bet it would have been okay for Thor._**** )**

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**summerlove-jls** 11/8/13 . - Oh my god sooooooo funny! **(****_RM – Thank you, I am glad you liked it.)_**

**Verity Kindle** 11/8/13 . - Heh...I JUST got back from seeing "Dark World". I'm so glad someone else was distracted by the hair thing. In the first Thor, everyone's hair looked AH-MAY-ZANG. And now...apparently hair magic is forbidden in Asgard and no one has time to bathe. Everyone looks rough, even Thor. WTF?! This fic is awesome and I will keep these new rules close to my heart. **(****_RM – And did you notice how smoky looking Volstags house was? And Hogan's people still heating with wood. And Thor didn't have a shower he was using a stone basin. Advanced much?_****)**

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Thanks for all the lovely comments, I'm glad you enjoyed it. For a certain value of enjoy of course, since it is most aggravating!


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